Ten Things We Don"t Want to See on Your Internet-dating Profile
"Cuddly." Most men prefer women with a few curves. But we're also aware of the female tendency for under-exaggeration when it comes to dress size. So if you describe yourself as cuddly, we're going to be scared you buy your clothes at the same place Billy Smart gets his tents.
Your star sign. We might look more like Russell Grant than Russell Crowe, but that doesn't mean we believe in the kind of mumbo-jumbo he's fond of spouting. Any mention of horoscopes and we'll just worry you'll label us as unsuitable simply because our birthday falls in the wrong month.
"Independent/career woman." Well, what do you need us for then? We know it's the 'noughties', but we still like to wear the trousers - or at least believe that we do. Us guys are already anxious enough about not measuring up in the bedroom, so the last thing we need is the fear that we might not measure up in the boardroom either.
Any reference to Mr. Darcy. He was a fictional character. You're not going to find him on a dating site, or anywhere else, get it? And quite frankly, if he's your idea of the perfect man, the only thing you're ever going to end up in bed with is a well-worn copy of Pride And Prejudice. We know we're never going to be good enough - so we won't even bother to try.
"Looking for friendship". It's a dating site, OK? Stop wasting our time. We've paid good money to come on here to find someone to go out with. If you want to make new friends, go and sign up for evening classes instead.
Salsa dancing. If we could dance well enough to impress you, we wouldn't be on this site in the first place, so the last thing we want is to be dragged off to some draughty village hall to prove just how uncoordinated we are while some snake-hipped Spaniard makes eyes at you. There's only one sort of Salsa we like - and that's the kind we can dip our nachos into.
No photo. Men are simple creatures. Call us fickle if you like, but the test we'll use when viewing your profile is this - would we want to buy you a drink if we saw you in the pub? And if you haven't put a photo on your profile, how on earth can we make that decision?
"Party girl". Most guys like the idea of owning a Ferrari, but in reality, we know we couldn't afford to run it. Our clubbing days are over - which is one of the reasons we're on this site. Besides, we'd be too worried that we couldn't afford to keep you in Cristal.
Any mention of the word "marriage". We probably do want to get married. Eventually. But we're men, and traditionally commitment-phobic, so we certainly don't want to have it rammed down our throats from day one.
"Must like cats". Men can't understand the female obsession with cats. What's more, we think you get them because you're lonely. And if a girl's been lonely for long enough to make her want a mangy, flea-ridden animal for company, we're afraid there's a reason for that.
Your star sign. We might look more like Russell Grant than Russell Crowe, but that doesn't mean we believe in the kind of mumbo-jumbo he's fond of spouting. Any mention of horoscopes and we'll just worry you'll label us as unsuitable simply because our birthday falls in the wrong month.
"Independent/career woman." Well, what do you need us for then? We know it's the 'noughties', but we still like to wear the trousers - or at least believe that we do. Us guys are already anxious enough about not measuring up in the bedroom, so the last thing we need is the fear that we might not measure up in the boardroom either.
Any reference to Mr. Darcy. He was a fictional character. You're not going to find him on a dating site, or anywhere else, get it? And quite frankly, if he's your idea of the perfect man, the only thing you're ever going to end up in bed with is a well-worn copy of Pride And Prejudice. We know we're never going to be good enough - so we won't even bother to try.
"Looking for friendship". It's a dating site, OK? Stop wasting our time. We've paid good money to come on here to find someone to go out with. If you want to make new friends, go and sign up for evening classes instead.
Salsa dancing. If we could dance well enough to impress you, we wouldn't be on this site in the first place, so the last thing we want is to be dragged off to some draughty village hall to prove just how uncoordinated we are while some snake-hipped Spaniard makes eyes at you. There's only one sort of Salsa we like - and that's the kind we can dip our nachos into.
No photo. Men are simple creatures. Call us fickle if you like, but the test we'll use when viewing your profile is this - would we want to buy you a drink if we saw you in the pub? And if you haven't put a photo on your profile, how on earth can we make that decision?
"Party girl". Most guys like the idea of owning a Ferrari, but in reality, we know we couldn't afford to run it. Our clubbing days are over - which is one of the reasons we're on this site. Besides, we'd be too worried that we couldn't afford to keep you in Cristal.
Any mention of the word "marriage". We probably do want to get married. Eventually. But we're men, and traditionally commitment-phobic, so we certainly don't want to have it rammed down our throats from day one.
"Must like cats". Men can't understand the female obsession with cats. What's more, we think you get them because you're lonely. And if a girl's been lonely for long enough to make her want a mangy, flea-ridden animal for company, we're afraid there's a reason for that.