Why Stay In An Abusive Marriage?
We've all seen it, and wondered why….people who stay in abusive marriages. We cannot fathom why anyone would willingly remain in such an unhealthy and even dangerous situation. Speaking as someone who recently came out of such a scenario, perhaps I can offer a few reasons, even if they don't appear to make much sense at first.
You have to remember that these two people fell in love at some point, and may still be in love. In addition, it isn't like the violence happens every day. You may go for extended periods between violent outbreaks, and the abuser may be one of the nicest, sweetest people you could ever hope to meet. It becomes easy for the victim to start thinking that maybe the marriage has turned the corner, maybe they won't be abusive anymore, and maybe things will start improving. Love is a powerful bond, and can all too often overlook a multitude of very obvious sins.
Another reason may be financial. In my own case, my wife made most of the money. I knew that my small business wouldn't provide adequate income, but I felt stuck. She of course, had no problem reminding me that I needed her, so I found myself putting up with a lot rather than face financial ruin (or so I thought).
Children also play a role. Many people will not leave their kids, or want to see their family broken from the traditional two parent role. More than a few people have slugged it out for years in an abusive marriage "for the sake of the kids". Don't be fooled, violence and abuse are never acceptable between spouses, or in front of children.
Self esteem. Many times the abuser successfully convinces the victim that there is no way anyone would ever want them, that they cannot succeed on their own, and that their only hope for survival is to stay with them. There comes a time when you have to break out, on your own, and make your own way. You will be surprised at what you can do for yourself.
Fear. Some abusers will put the fear of God into their victims, telling them that they will make sure they do not get the children, or even threatening to stalk them or injure them. It is possible to be sufficiently frightened or intimidated into remaining in the abusive relationship.
Isolation. Many abusers make it almost impossible for their victims to have much in the way of friends or support from family. When the only support structure comes from the abuser, it makes it very hard to summon the courage to go it on your own.
There are also religious beliefs that figure into the equation. Many people simply believe that separation and divorce are simply wrong. As a result they will stay in a bad marriage, even an abusive one, for a very long time. I maintain that violence is never something that was intended between lovers.
Abusive spouses have any number of methods by which they control their subjugates, namely:
- Discouragement of any independent activities or time with friends
- Pushing uncomfortable sexual activities (for the victim to "prove" their love) or withholding sex altogether as punishment
- Constant criticism of their spouse's dress, weight, or looks
- Using children as leverage to get their way
- Control of all financial decisions, and refusal to listen to the spouse's opinions or questions concerning such matters
- Control of all major decisions, including what vehicles to purchase, where to live, etc.
Don't fall victim to these practices. If you are in an abusive situation, get out. I waited 20 years to finally get up the courage to make that break. In the interim I've discovered that there is in fact, much more that I am capable of. Discover what you are capable of and make your escape.
You have to remember that these two people fell in love at some point, and may still be in love. In addition, it isn't like the violence happens every day. You may go for extended periods between violent outbreaks, and the abuser may be one of the nicest, sweetest people you could ever hope to meet. It becomes easy for the victim to start thinking that maybe the marriage has turned the corner, maybe they won't be abusive anymore, and maybe things will start improving. Love is a powerful bond, and can all too often overlook a multitude of very obvious sins.
Another reason may be financial. In my own case, my wife made most of the money. I knew that my small business wouldn't provide adequate income, but I felt stuck. She of course, had no problem reminding me that I needed her, so I found myself putting up with a lot rather than face financial ruin (or so I thought).
Children also play a role. Many people will not leave their kids, or want to see their family broken from the traditional two parent role. More than a few people have slugged it out for years in an abusive marriage "for the sake of the kids". Don't be fooled, violence and abuse are never acceptable between spouses, or in front of children.
Self esteem. Many times the abuser successfully convinces the victim that there is no way anyone would ever want them, that they cannot succeed on their own, and that their only hope for survival is to stay with them. There comes a time when you have to break out, on your own, and make your own way. You will be surprised at what you can do for yourself.
Fear. Some abusers will put the fear of God into their victims, telling them that they will make sure they do not get the children, or even threatening to stalk them or injure them. It is possible to be sufficiently frightened or intimidated into remaining in the abusive relationship.
Isolation. Many abusers make it almost impossible for their victims to have much in the way of friends or support from family. When the only support structure comes from the abuser, it makes it very hard to summon the courage to go it on your own.
There are also religious beliefs that figure into the equation. Many people simply believe that separation and divorce are simply wrong. As a result they will stay in a bad marriage, even an abusive one, for a very long time. I maintain that violence is never something that was intended between lovers.
Abusive spouses have any number of methods by which they control their subjugates, namely:
- Discouragement of any independent activities or time with friends
- Pushing uncomfortable sexual activities (for the victim to "prove" their love) or withholding sex altogether as punishment
- Constant criticism of their spouse's dress, weight, or looks
- Using children as leverage to get their way
- Control of all financial decisions, and refusal to listen to the spouse's opinions or questions concerning such matters
- Control of all major decisions, including what vehicles to purchase, where to live, etc.
Don't fall victim to these practices. If you are in an abusive situation, get out. I waited 20 years to finally get up the courage to make that break. In the interim I've discovered that there is in fact, much more that I am capable of. Discover what you are capable of and make your escape.