How to Liberate Yourself From Emotional Burdens and Family Strife - 16 Ways to Work Your Thing Out
When you have been estranged from your family with little face to face interaction and are obliged to return to "home base" it is particularly challenging.
As we all know, family members know how to trigger a reaction and when there are unresolved issues and undercurrents, it becomes very uncomfortable situation.
It is therefore essential to know how to free yourself from an emotional burden.
It begins with you being yourself and not what others expect you to be.
I recently lived this which is why it is easy to share 16 ways to work your thing out and liberate yourself from the weight of family strife and emotional dysfunction.
2 - DO NOT TAKE SIDES: Taking sides is a very bad idea; you are setting yourself up for mischief and playing their games not only weakens you but also draws you into a maelstrom of negativity.
3 - DO NOT JUDGE: Observe your reactions and innate prejudices which arise.
You have been off the scene a long time and do not know the dynamics of the situation.
Stay out of it.
When your prejudices come to the fore (and we all have them), take them out and shine the cleansing light of lucidity on them.
Question the reason for their existence; are they valid and why; are they true, is that who you are now? These questions tend to call negative memories to mind out of which encourages this attitude.
What they have "awakened" in you could continue long after the particular family issues have been clarified if you do not deal with them immediately.
These activities help you focus and (re)gain inner harmony in the midst of the family's neuroses.
5 - ASK FOR HELP: When you begin to feel overwhelmed or when you yourself become a hit and run victim of verbal violence, ask the Universe, God, Mohammed or whatever you pray to for guidance.
You will be answered; I guarantee it! Another perspective is priceless.
6 - BE GRATEFUL: Offer gratitude every day for the good in your life particularly during rocky times.
Cry if you feel like it; that loosens the restricting bonds you placed on your heart.
7 - TELL YOUR STORY: It lifts the unsuspected weight from your shoulders when it falls on a listening ear.
The objective is not to whine or complain.
No; it is to tell your story and share your feelings.
You will gain an understanding of what you have been living when you externalize it.
The universe works in mysterious ways and you will hear the words needed to inspire and comfort you.
It is a great way to get stuff off your chest with an understanding, neutral, external party and ease your aching heart.
Reacting to triggers is par for the course in families - they know them best.
Instead, minimise the damage by analysing the situation, then ask yourself "Is it worth it to respond".
Say what you think even when you feel uncomfortable.
Express how you feel if it would make you feel better; it might put others on the defensive but that is their problem.
This is very healthy.
Speak your mind to clear the air without casting aspersions on peoples characters or criticising them in any way.
Being authentic does not mean getting in anyone's face.
Such actions are for "small people" and I know you are bigger than that!
There will be less angst on your part when you distance yourself from the verbal stone-throwing and guilt manipulation.
Create a haven for yourself in your room, the garden, on a park bench, etc.
You are an adult and you have no explanations to offer when you wish to be on your own.
Be aware however that it will not be appreciated.
10- FIND PEOPLE YOU LIKE: Broaden your horizons.
It is a great opportunity to create new friendships and network.
Even if your environment is familiar, events dictate a change of atmosphere.
Join a group, start a new activity with people you do not know.
11- FOCUS ON YOUR OWN NEEDS: Whether you are looking for a new job or making a life change, focussing on your own needs blocks out much of the conflict and dysfunction.
A peaceful feeling returns when you concentrate on your desires.
It is a fruitless exercise as the "attack" is a ploy to draw you back into the story.
Not reacting will make you feel uncomfortable but that is just your ego "talking".
Ignore it.
Sometimes you are the one creating the problem because of your feelings of insecurity and others are simply reacting to it.
Be honest and take responsibility for it.
13- ACCEPT WHAT YOU CANNOT CHANGE: Accept people as they are because they will not change.
You are expected to adapt and conform to expectations which is the real "issue" behind the conflict.
Wishing it was different will not change it.
Acceptance brings change, lightens your spirit and creates a distance between you and the group and this immediately negates conflict.
You then become the observer of yourself and everyone else and you will regain control of your emotions.
It is way off the mark.
There is nothing more hurtful than words spoken in resentment and recrimination; they resound and rebound in one's head.
They are intended to wound and are not easily forgotten.
When I say express your anger, I do not mean scream and shout or revile and insult.
Raise your voice if you want to and let the anger out.
It is essential for your well-being and I truly mean this.
Cast no verbal stones - even in the heat of the moment - as they are counter-productive even when you are correct.
You cannot be "right" because that is a judgement call.
What you say is your truth; express yourself and get it over with.
It too will pass.
Be the bigger person.
And each time you think "why can't she/he be...
", stop immediately and say instead I'm sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you, I love you.
.
This is the Hawaiian Ho'oponopono Prayer of Forgiveness; simple, powerful and most importantly, it works! It is a heart-to-heart "talk" for one unless you want to say it to someone, which you can.
Do this and watch it gradually work its magic.
Useful on all occasions particularly when falling asleep at night.
16- MOVE ON: You have done your best and that is good enough; your experiences are your teachers.
Stop beating yourself up; accept your share of responsibility in the story, say thank you verbally or mentally, let go and move on.
When you make this emotional shift, proximity becomes a non-issue.
THE BOTTOMLINE Whilst it is true that families are meant to comfort and nurture, sometimes it just does not work out that way.
It then becomes a moot point when you have already slain the beasts that weren't.
The new friends you make will create the nucleus of your "real" family.
Be you.
Trying to fit someone else's mould never works.
If you cannot fix it, forget it.
If people do not like who you are, then find those who do.
Liberating yourself from an emotional burden has a simple starting point as Kafka says: You do not need to leave your room.
Remain sitting at your table and listen.
Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary.
The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.
As we all know, family members know how to trigger a reaction and when there are unresolved issues and undercurrents, it becomes very uncomfortable situation.
It is therefore essential to know how to free yourself from an emotional burden.
It begins with you being yourself and not what others expect you to be.
I recently lived this which is why it is easy to share 16 ways to work your thing out and liberate yourself from the weight of family strife and emotional dysfunction.
This inescapable duty to observe oneself: if someone else is observing me, naturally I have to observe myself too; if none observe me, I have to observe myself all the closer.1 - OBSERVE: Keep your mouth shut and pay attention to the actions and reactions of others, the emotional triggers and the intended messages which go oft awry resulting in arguments, criticism, accusations and recrimination.
--Kafka
2 - DO NOT TAKE SIDES: Taking sides is a very bad idea; you are setting yourself up for mischief and playing their games not only weakens you but also draws you into a maelstrom of negativity.
3 - DO NOT JUDGE: Observe your reactions and innate prejudices which arise.
You have been off the scene a long time and do not know the dynamics of the situation.
Stay out of it.
When your prejudices come to the fore (and we all have them), take them out and shine the cleansing light of lucidity on them.
Question the reason for their existence; are they valid and why; are they true, is that who you are now? These questions tend to call negative memories to mind out of which encourages this attitude.
What they have "awakened" in you could continue long after the particular family issues have been clarified if you do not deal with them immediately.
Try loving the people you now judge.4 - MEDITATE OR PRAY (WHICHEVER SUITS BEST): Or paint, journal, go for walks, listen to music, dance, exercise, be quiet, and so on.
I won't explain how to love them.
Just try.
Understand, accept, and love.
Go ahead.
--James M.
Lynch
These activities help you focus and (re)gain inner harmony in the midst of the family's neuroses.
5 - ASK FOR HELP: When you begin to feel overwhelmed or when you yourself become a hit and run victim of verbal violence, ask the Universe, God, Mohammed or whatever you pray to for guidance.
You will be answered; I guarantee it! Another perspective is priceless.
6 - BE GRATEFUL: Offer gratitude every day for the good in your life particularly during rocky times.
Cry if you feel like it; that loosens the restricting bonds you placed on your heart.
7 - TELL YOUR STORY: It lifts the unsuspected weight from your shoulders when it falls on a listening ear.
The objective is not to whine or complain.
No; it is to tell your story and share your feelings.
You will gain an understanding of what you have been living when you externalize it.
The universe works in mysterious ways and you will hear the words needed to inspire and comfort you.
It is a great way to get stuff off your chest with an understanding, neutral, external party and ease your aching heart.
Our only security is our ability to change.8 - BE AUTHENTIC: Faking what you do not feel, taking sides, lying to make others feel comfortable, allowing yourself to be drawn into other people's drama is counter-productive on every level.
--John Lilly
Reacting to triggers is par for the course in families - they know them best.
Instead, minimise the damage by analysing the situation, then ask yourself "Is it worth it to respond".
Say what you think even when you feel uncomfortable.
Express how you feel if it would make you feel better; it might put others on the defensive but that is their problem.
This is very healthy.
Speak your mind to clear the air without casting aspersions on peoples characters or criticising them in any way.
Being authentic does not mean getting in anyone's face.
Such actions are for "small people" and I know you are bigger than that!
One often contradicts an opinion when what is uncongenial is really the tone in which it was conveyed.9 - STAY AWAY FROM PEOPLE YOU DO NOT LIKE (INCLUDING FAMILY MEMBERS): This is a very important self-preservation strategy when you share the same roof.
--Friedrich Nietzsche
There will be less angst on your part when you distance yourself from the verbal stone-throwing and guilt manipulation.
Create a haven for yourself in your room, the garden, on a park bench, etc.
You are an adult and you have no explanations to offer when you wish to be on your own.
Be aware however that it will not be appreciated.
10- FIND PEOPLE YOU LIKE: Broaden your horizons.
It is a great opportunity to create new friendships and network.
Even if your environment is familiar, events dictate a change of atmosphere.
Join a group, start a new activity with people you do not know.
11- FOCUS ON YOUR OWN NEEDS: Whether you are looking for a new job or making a life change, focussing on your own needs blocks out much of the conflict and dysfunction.
A peaceful feeling returns when you concentrate on your desires.
A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.12- DO NOT TRY TO DEFEND YOURSELF: Resist this instinctive reaction when you feel attacked.
--Unknown
It is a fruitless exercise as the "attack" is a ploy to draw you back into the story.
Not reacting will make you feel uncomfortable but that is just your ego "talking".
Ignore it.
Sometimes you are the one creating the problem because of your feelings of insecurity and others are simply reacting to it.
Be honest and take responsibility for it.
13- ACCEPT WHAT YOU CANNOT CHANGE: Accept people as they are because they will not change.
You are expected to adapt and conform to expectations which is the real "issue" behind the conflict.
Wishing it was different will not change it.
Acceptance brings change, lightens your spirit and creates a distance between you and the group and this immediately negates conflict.
You then become the observer of yourself and everyone else and you will regain control of your emotions.
The man who never alters his opinion is like standing water, and breeds reptiles of the mind.14- EXPRESS YOUR ANGER: I am sure you know the saying sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never harm me.
--William Blake
It is way off the mark.
There is nothing more hurtful than words spoken in resentment and recrimination; they resound and rebound in one's head.
They are intended to wound and are not easily forgotten.
When I say express your anger, I do not mean scream and shout or revile and insult.
Raise your voice if you want to and let the anger out.
It is essential for your well-being and I truly mean this.
Cast no verbal stones - even in the heat of the moment - as they are counter-productive even when you are correct.
You cannot be "right" because that is a judgement call.
What you say is your truth; express yourself and get it over with.
It too will pass.
When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel.15- FORGIVE: When people refuse to act like adults and take responsibility for their actions and emotions, they make themselves small.
Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.
--Catherine Ponder
Be the bigger person.
And each time you think "why can't she/he be...
", stop immediately and say instead I'm sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you, I love you.
.
This is the Hawaiian Ho'oponopono Prayer of Forgiveness; simple, powerful and most importantly, it works! It is a heart-to-heart "talk" for one unless you want to say it to someone, which you can.
Do this and watch it gradually work its magic.
Useful on all occasions particularly when falling asleep at night.
16- MOVE ON: You have done your best and that is good enough; your experiences are your teachers.
Stop beating yourself up; accept your share of responsibility in the story, say thank you verbally or mentally, let go and move on.
When you make this emotional shift, proximity becomes a non-issue.
THE BOTTOMLINE Whilst it is true that families are meant to comfort and nurture, sometimes it just does not work out that way.
It then becomes a moot point when you have already slain the beasts that weren't.
The new friends you make will create the nucleus of your "real" family.
Be you.
Trying to fit someone else's mould never works.
If you cannot fix it, forget it.
If people do not like who you are, then find those who do.
Liberating yourself from an emotional burden has a simple starting point as Kafka says: You do not need to leave your room.
Remain sitting at your table and listen.
Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary.
The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.