Announcing Your Divorce to the Kids
One of the most difficult initial steps to ending a marriage is explaining the situation to the children.
Many parents in these difficult situations worry about the possible outcomes: will the kids become angry or depressed? Will they blame their parents, or even themselves? There is no way to make this conversation simple or pleasant.
There are, however, tips you can take to help make the process a little easier for everyone involved.
First, do not flood your kids with details right away.
It takes a while for anyone to process and fully understand large changes in their life, and this can be especially true for children.
State the most basic relevant information first, and then pause to give your family time to react.
There are also certain themes that you need to make clear.
Be prepared to repeat these ideas many times throughout the coming days or even months.
Children will have many fears when their parents separate, and it is your responsibility to help assuage them.
Some important messages to send are: · The family's situation is not the kids' fault.
There was nothing they could have done to avoid this outcome between their parents.
· The kids are still very much loved and supported by both parents.
It is possible for some relationships to change while others remain the same.
· The divorce will be permanent.
It does not matter how the children behave or what favors they do for their parents, because the divorce is not related to their behavior.
Remember that you shouldn't be doing all the talking.
Children need to feel safe expressing their opinions or their emotions will become bottled up and may create long-term problems.
Listen to your kids' reactions and reassure them that it is okay to feel angry, sad, numb, or whatever they feel.
You may want to let them know that you are feeling some of those same things, too.
This will help them understand that they are not alone.
Be prepared for lots of questions.
The first will probably be about basic living arrangements, but as time goes on you will be hearing some difficult questions to answer.
Unless your children are adults, it may not be appropriate to go into explicit details about the problems in your relationship.
Explain that sometimes parents find they are happier living apart, or describe your situation in a similarly age-appropriate manner.
You know best what your kids are prepared to hear.
Many parents in these difficult situations worry about the possible outcomes: will the kids become angry or depressed? Will they blame their parents, or even themselves? There is no way to make this conversation simple or pleasant.
There are, however, tips you can take to help make the process a little easier for everyone involved.
First, do not flood your kids with details right away.
It takes a while for anyone to process and fully understand large changes in their life, and this can be especially true for children.
State the most basic relevant information first, and then pause to give your family time to react.
There are also certain themes that you need to make clear.
Be prepared to repeat these ideas many times throughout the coming days or even months.
Children will have many fears when their parents separate, and it is your responsibility to help assuage them.
Some important messages to send are: · The family's situation is not the kids' fault.
There was nothing they could have done to avoid this outcome between their parents.
· The kids are still very much loved and supported by both parents.
It is possible for some relationships to change while others remain the same.
· The divorce will be permanent.
It does not matter how the children behave or what favors they do for their parents, because the divorce is not related to their behavior.
Remember that you shouldn't be doing all the talking.
Children need to feel safe expressing their opinions or their emotions will become bottled up and may create long-term problems.
Listen to your kids' reactions and reassure them that it is okay to feel angry, sad, numb, or whatever they feel.
You may want to let them know that you are feeling some of those same things, too.
This will help them understand that they are not alone.
Be prepared for lots of questions.
The first will probably be about basic living arrangements, but as time goes on you will be hearing some difficult questions to answer.
Unless your children are adults, it may not be appropriate to go into explicit details about the problems in your relationship.
Explain that sometimes parents find they are happier living apart, or describe your situation in a similarly age-appropriate manner.
You know best what your kids are prepared to hear.