Noting is more unattractive than a victim and nothing can hinder your ability to have a successful divorce more than playing the role of a victim. Divorces are the result of hundreds of emotional wounds, loads of lying by omission and commission and the failure to nurture the relationship between husband and wife. Marriages don’t end abruptly, they erode over time. And although one or the other spouse may play a larger role in the demise of the marriage, both play a party to the situation.

It is common for people to hold onto one or two actions by the other spouse or some character flaw and use it against them to justify their desire for a divorce. Few are willing to accept responsibility for the role they played in the failure of the marriage. It is more comfortable if the failure was caused by the other spouse, it minimizes guilt, especially if you are the spouse asking for the divorce.

There ?? a human phenomenon psychologist’s call selective attention.

Human beings h??? a natural tendency to pay attention ?n?? to data that supports th??r pre-existing point ?f view or desire. Information that contradicts th??r beliefs or wishes ?? filtered-out ?f th??r awareness. Obviously th?? practice ??n lead t? severely distorted notions ?f people ?n? events ?n? t? m?k?ng very poor choices ?n? decisions.

I see th?? selective attention “phenomenon” ?n many divorced clients I work w?th. Once ?t ?? ??????? th?r? w??? b? a divorce one ?r th? ?th?r spouse w??? b?g?n t? rewrite th? history ?f th? marriage ?n? especially th? biography ?f th? person th?? w?r? married t?.

Th? ex becomes evil ?n? th?? sort ?f thinking ?? m??t prevalent ?n th? one seeking a divorce. Wh?? Guilt, shame, a way t? justify th??r actions. W? feel better ?b??t ourselves ?f th? ex ?? evil ?n? w? h?? n? ?h???? b?t t? leave.

Wh?t ?? wr?ng w?th th?? kind ?f thinking?

It takes away ?n? chance ?f a civil divorce. It ??m?g?? ?n? children ?f th? marriage ?n? God forbid ?n adversarial attorney become involved w?th th? selective attention thinker. Y?? ??n kiss a large chunk ?f ???r marital assets goodbye ?f th?? happens.

I remember m? ex ?? being a kind ?n? loving man. H? w?? a gr??t father ?n? husband right up until the day he left. H? h?? h?? issues ???t ?? I ???. H? ????? b? hurtful b?t ?n n? way w?? h? evil. Being ?b?? t? remember h?m ?n th?? way enables m? t? see h?m ?? human being…someone wh? m?k?? mistakes b?t isn’t evil.

It helped m? t? continue t? try ?n? h??? a civil relationship w?th h?m. Something w? ?h???? ??? strive t? h??? w?th ?n ex-spouse.

H? ?n th? ?th?r hand, remembers m? ?? being th? cause ?f ??? h?? misery. An abusive shrew th?t kept h?m fr?m living th? life h? wanted t? live. H?? revision ?f wh? I w?? ?n th? marriage ?n? wh? I ?m ?? a person keeps h?m fr?m being ?b?? t? see m? ?? human. I h??? t? b? seen ?? th? evil one ?n order f?r h?m t? continue t? feel g??? ?b??t himself ?n? th? destructive decisions h? h?? m??? ??n?? leaving th? marriage.

B?????? ?f th?? h? w??? never b? ?b?? t? h??? a civil relationship w?th m?.

J??t ?? ??r marriage failed, ?? h?? ??r divorce. Th? key t? a successful divorce ?? th? ability ?f both spouses t? see each ?th?r ?? flawed human beings, n?t ?? evil beings and to take responsibility for their role in the demise of the marriage.

I? th? way ??? process data ?b??t ???r ex keeping ??? fr?m having a “successful divorce?”

Divorce is about taking apart something that was once precious to you. Do it with respect for all involved, respect for yourself and you will be able to move on with an open heart and no negative baggage.